Unbound

What’s in a picture? The colors are the same, but it seems like the image strangely falls out of frame. What’s in a title? What’s in a name? A sense of belonging, but a lie just the same. What’s in a voice? A tongue that can’t be tamed, the sounds it leaves that linger when it calls my name. When they point the finger, looking for someone to blame, they seem to find the figures that all look quite the same. What’s in a history that’s a mystery once proclaimed, doomed to repeat its tragedy if the mentality remains the same? What if the enemy is not in the area where the attention has been paid? But rather in the game behind the symphony that’s being played? We have to step away from the canvas that once had so much promise of the good that it would bring, long enough to consider that maybe it isn’t worth the sting. It wined us and dined us and gave us everything, but when the dance was done, it took far more than it did ever bring. 

I took a leap of faith and stepped away from the thing, the thing that promised a love that would be mine until the end. I walked along the path less traveled and I found it to be rough as unpaved roads normally are; the terrain can be quite tough. I really had to question everything I thought I knew and if the pain of my circumstances is what a loving God would put me through. Maybe God had nothing to do with it at all; then could I trust myself to avoid a future fall? When you bleed from such a wounded place, the pain tends to bind you from extending grace. How could I let this happen? How can I love again when I have nothing but disappointment to show for what I bring? But the thing about the wilderness where untrodden paths are found, what is found there also is a beauty that relentlessly abounds. You see it in the lizards and flies that they eat; it’s in the very dirt and rocks that sometimes pierce my feet. Oh, but my favorites are trees and the language that they speak and the shelter they provide from the marvelous sun and its unforgiving heat. There’s a lot I don’t understand about the why’s and when’s and the way in which I lost people I thought were the very best of friends. This chapter has been a very heavy lift; I lost a sense of myself that left me in a sea of uncertainty, a drift in a profound mystery.

What matters now is I am back to me. My journey through this wilderness left me with some bruises from events I may not ever fully understand, but one thing that it reminded me of is who the fuck I am. I’m still in the wilderness, and in some ways the conditions are unforgiving here. I started out looking for something that really wasn’t clear. One thing about Gods plan is that it isn’t for the weak, nor is the hero I now look within to seek. I found something they can never take away, something that was there all along hidden in the display. I can’t go back to who I used to be; that road has been destroyed by the love I found in me. I can’t go back to the things I once did for you; maybe if you hadn’t taken me for granted, I’d still be happy to. In this new era I find myself to be, I’m not doing nothing that takes me out of my divine frequency. I do what I want with whom I want for as long as I want with no apology. I will be with whom I’m valued where love is exchanged mutually. Many men wonder in the wilderness of their ideology, unwilling to waver from what they’ve known, prisoners of ideas from which only pain has grown, but not this man, not this soul. In God’s hands, I lay there whole.